Perfectionism in your child? Have you ever looked in the mirror?

Perfectionism is one of the reasons why parents of some gifted children look for help. As a parent, you may see your child crying because he or she is afraid of not knowing the subject well enough, you see anger and frustration when facing difficult assignments, you see your child erasing again and again until a letter looks 'perfect', or he or she refuses to do something which he or she is not sure to succeed. This is stressful not only for your child, but also for you as a parent.

Perhaps you have already tried everything to help your child - you read books about fear of failure and perfectionism, attended lectures and consulted the special needs teacher. Perhaps you have even turned to external help, such as individual coaching. But have you also looked at yourself? Research shows that maladaptive perfectionism is often closely related to parents' behavior and attitude (Lavrijsen et al., 2020).

Parents who are self-critical perfectionists or who set the bar extremely high for their children increase the risk of their child struggling with perfectionism. Many parents focus only on their child's perfectionism, but forget that they themselves can play an important role in its development. Consequently, perfectionism may be regarded as being a difficult characteristic of giftedness that cannot be changed.

When looking for a way to address your child's self-critical perfectionism, it is essential to look not only at your child, but also at yourself. What example do you set as a parent? How perfectionist are you? Do you tend to want to arrange everything down to the last detail and create a flawless path for your child? You may unconsciously pass on what you consider "normal" – the pursuit of perfection and the avoidance of failure. You become a catalyst for your child's maladaptive perfectionism.

Daring to look at what role you play in your child's perfectionism gives you the opportunity to do things differently. Reflecting on your own thoughts and behavior is confrontational, but also offers opportunities for growth. As an adult, old habits die hard, but it is worth the effort. You, your child and the whole family will benefit from it. It is not an easy, but yet a very valuable journey for you to make together.

• Be aware of your own self-critical perfectionism: look at your own thoughts and behavior. How do you respond to your own mistakes? What example are you giving with that? Try to lower the bar for yourself, practice with 'good enough' instead of 'perfect'.
• Set realistic expectations: Help your child focus on the process, not just the end result. Praise the effort, not the perfect execution. Don't copy to ensure a better result. Reflect together on what is 'good enough'.
• Mistakes are learning moments: show that making mistakes is normal and openly share your own mistakes and how you learned from them. Also talk about the unpleasant feelings that come with it, let your child experience that that is okay too.
• Create an environment of safety: Make sure your child feels safe to make mistakes without fear of rejection or criticism. This helps to relieve the pressure.
• Reflect together with your child: talk to your child about his or her thoughts and feelings. Practice contradicting negative thoughts and making helpful thoughts louder. This can be a valuable opportunity to teach your child how to deal with fear of failure and perfectionism.

You play a crucial role in addressing your child's perfectionism, and by becoming self-aware you can support both yourself and your child on the journey to less self-critical perfectionism and more self-acceptance. This journey is not always easy, but it is valuable – not only for you as a parent, but for the entire family.

Do you dare to embrace this change? 

Need help? Then contact one of our Hoogbloeier® partners who have the expertise to support you and your family in tackling maladaptive perfectionism.

Copyright © 2025 Tamara Straetemans – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author. Sharing online is permitted provided the author is credited and a link to this article is included.