From Tension to Collaboration: How to Have a Better Conversation About Your Gifted Child

Last month, I wrote about conversations between parents and schools that can sometimes become quite difficult. I drew on recent research into the different strategies parents use when trying to advocate for the educational needs of their gifted child. Some parents primarily try to collaborate, others eventually turn to scientific evidence, guidelines, or educational policies, while still others decide to invest more and more of their energy in supporting their child directly.

I recognized myself in all three. Over the years, I have had to learn as a parent that not every conversation calls for the same approach and that sometimes it is mainly a matter of consciously choosing where you want to invest your energy. At the same time, I shared a number of very practical tips in that article for preparing for conversations with schools and making them more constructive.

And then, this summer at ECHA2026 in Dublin, I attended Dr. Jessica Potts’s keynote, The Good, the Bad, the Ugly: What Every Educator Should Know About Engaging Gifted Families.

Several times, I found myself thinking back to that article.

Not because Potts suggested that what I had written was wrong. Quite the opposite. Much of what she said reinforced for me just how important collaboration, clear communication, and concrete agreements are. But she added a perspective that I had paid far less attention to in my previous article: what does the person on the other side of the table bring to that conversation?

That One Email: “Could We Schedule a Meeting?”

Potts began her keynote with a very relatable scenario. It is Monday morning and, as a teacher, you receive an email from a parent: “Could we schedule a meeting?” Immediately, your mind starts racing. What is this about? Did something go wrong? Are they unhappy? What are they going to ask of me?

But turn the situation around. As a parent, you receive a message from the teacher: “Could we schedule a meeting?” and chances are that exactly the same thing happens. What now? Has something happened? Did my child do something? Is this going to be about their attitude toward schoolwork, motivation, or behavior again?

So even before anyone sits down at the table, the conversation has already begun.

Potts referred to this in terms of hopes and fears: people do not enter a conversation with a blank slate. Parents have expectations and concerns, but so do teachers. For parents of a gifted child, those questions can be very fundamental. Will they recognize what my child is capable of? Will my child be challenged enough? Will they understand why my child behaves this way? What if I say nothing and nothing changes?

On the other side, a teacher may wonder whether the parents have unrealistic expectations, whether they will feel that the teacher is not doing enough, or how the requested accommodations can realistically be implemented in a classroom with twenty-five other students.

I found this an important addition to my previous article. I had already written that parents bring more than just their knowledge to a conversation: they also bring their concerns, hopes, and sometimes disappointments from previous experiences. Potts made it even more explicit for me that the same applies to the person sitting across the table.

Behind a Position, There Is Often a Concern

This changes the way you can look at a difficult conversation.

Suppose you say as a parent: “My child is not being challenged nearly enough.” There may be a whole history behind that statement. Perhaps you see at home that your child is becoming less and less curious, no longer wants to practice, or goes to school reluctantly every morning. What you are really trying to say is: “I’m afraid my child is losing their desire to learn.”

The teacher might respond: “We simply can’t create an individual program for every child.” If you only listen to the literal message, you immediately find yourselves at odds. You are asking for something, and the school is saying that it cannot be done.

But perhaps what lies underneath is: “I understand what you’re asking, but I have no idea how to make this work in my classroom.”

Of course, that does not mean that you, as a parent, should then say: “No problem, never mind.” Your child’s educational needs have not disappeared simply because you understand the teacher’s position. But it does give you a different way into the conversation.

Instead of continuing to argue why you are right, you could ask: “What makes this difficult for you to implement?” You can then explore together whether the difficulty lies in time, organization, knowledge, resources, or something else. Only when you understand where the real barrier lies can you start looking for a targeted solution.

Maybe You’re Both Seeing Something Different—and Both Perspectives Are Valid

Another point from my previous article took on even more meaning for me in light of this. Parents and schools do not necessarily view a child from the same frame of reference.

A parent sees their child at home, during vacations and free time, when they are completely absorbed in an interest or when all the tension from the school day finally comes out. A teacher sees that same child among peers, during instruction, independent work, and required tasks.

As a result, two seemingly contradictory stories can emerge. A child who spends hours exploring complex topics at home may barely get started on a simple assignment at school. A student who, according to the teacher, is doing perfectly well and never asks for more challenging work may come home every evening saying they are bored to death.

The immediate reaction can easily be: “But we see something completely different at home.”

Yet one observation does not have to invalidate the other. A much more interesting question is: what does the difference between these two contexts tell us?

Perhaps that difference is precisely the information we need to better understand what is happening with your child.

A Good Conversation Actually Begins in Your Inbox

In my previous article, I advised parents, among other things, to prepare carefully, approach the conversation from a spirit of collaboration and focus on their child’s specific educational needs, summarize important agreements by email afterward, and immediately schedule a follow-up.

After Potts’s keynote, I would add one more piece of advice: make sure the conversation gets off to a good start before you even sit down together.

An email that simply says, “Could we schedule a meeting?” is actually too vague. The other person has no idea what to expect and may easily fill in the blanks themselves. Potts therefore recommended being clear in advance about the purpose of the meeting, how much time you would like to set aside, and who will be attending. No one should arrive only to discover that there are suddenly four people sitting on the other side of the table—something I jokingly referred to as “the Inquisition” in my previous article for a reason.

So instead of simply writing:

“Could we schedule a meeting?”

you might write something like:

“We’ve noticed that over the past few weeks, our son has increasingly been saying that he is learning very little that is new, and we can see that his motivation is starting to decline. We’re curious to hear what you’re seeing in the classroom and would like to explore together what might help. Could we sit down for about fifteen minutes to discuss this? It might be helpful for the school’s gifted education coordinator to join us as well. Please let us know who will be attending from the school so that everyone knows in advance who will be at the table.”

You have not imposed a solution. You have simply made clear what you are observing, what concerns you, what you would like to hear from the other person, and why you would like to meet.

During the conversation itself, Potts recommended keeping that purpose in mind. What are we trying to achieve today? What possibilities—and constraints—are there? And if emotions do begin to run high, it can help to return to what lies underneath them: what are we actually hoping for, and what are we afraid of?

Finally, her advice aligns almost seamlessly with what I wrote last month: do not end with, “We’ll see how things go.” Make concrete agreements, decide who will do what, set a timeframe, and agree on when you will evaluate the situation together. I recommended that last step in my previous article as well. Potts’s keynote reinforced for me just how important that predictability can be.

Not Just Communicating Better, but Understanding Each Other Better

My conclusion after Potts’s keynote, then, is not that parents need to learn even more communication techniques. Perhaps the most important addition lies somewhere else.

In my previous article, I focused primarily on what you can do as a parent when conversations with the school become difficult. Potts prompted me to look more closely at what happens between the people sitting around that table.

Everyone brings something with them: previous experiences, knowledge, expectations, insecurities, frustrations, but above all hopes and concerns about the same child. When we respond only to each other’s positions, it is easy to end up on opposing sides. When we become curious about what lies beneath those positions, there is more room for mutual understanding.

That does not mean that parents and schools will always agree. Nor does it mean that, as a parent, you should lower your expectations or stop advocating for your child’s educational needs.

It does mean, however, that sometimes you can ask a different question.

Not only: “Why aren’t you doing this?” But also: “What makes this difficult?”

Not only: “But we see something completely different at home.” But also: “How can we understand why our child functions so differently at home and at school?”

And perhaps, when a conversation really seems to be reaching an impasse: “What are we both hoping for for this child?”

It may seem like a small shift. But sometimes, that is exactly what is needed to move from standing opposite each other to standing side by side.

In the previous article, I invited you to reflect on the role you tend to take in conversations with your child’s school: Motivator, Law Enforcer, or Mentor. This time, I would like to give you a much smaller and more concrete task.

Do you have a meeting with the school coming up? Start by looking at the email you use to request that meeting.

Can the recipient understand from your email what you would like to discuss, what you are specifically observing in your child, why this concerns you, approximately how much time you think you will need, and who you would like to have at the meeting? And does your email leave enough room to hear what the school is seeing as well?

Perhaps a constructive conversation with the school does not begin when everyone sits down at the table. Perhaps it begins with that very first email.

Copyright © 2026 Dr. Sabine Sypré – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author. Sharing online is permitted provided the author is credited and a link to this article is included.