Growing from within: Motivating the upbringing of gifted children

Gifted children often need an upbringing that not only supports their cognitive development but also strengthens their motivation, emotional well-being, and self-awareness. The Self-Determination Theory by Ryan and Deci (Ryan & Deci, 2017) provides a valuable framework, based on three psychological basic needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. In this article, we explore how parents can support these needs in everyday practice—through autonomy-supportive parenting and a concrete example from the family life of a gifted child. 

Self-Determination Theory: A Compass for Raising Gifted Children

Self-Determination Theory, developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan, is a well-known framework in the field of human motivation. At its core, the theory asserts that people are naturally motivated to grow and develop, as long as three key psychological needs are fulfilled: autonomy, competence, and relatedness (Vansteenkiste & Soenens, 2015).

Autonomy is the need to make choices for oneself and to feel in control of one’s actions. Rather than simply directing a gifted child on what to do, it’s more effective to present them with different options to choose from. This approach helps strengthen their sense of autonomy.

The second fundamental need is competence, which relates to the feeling of being effective and making progress. For a gifted child, it’s important to provide tasks that are both challenging and within their learning zone. Additionally, offering constructive feedback that focuses on the learning process—rather than just the outcome—helps the child feel capable and motivated to continue.

Lastly, there’s the need for relatedness, or the desire to feel accepted and valued by others in one’s social environment. For gifted children, it’s crucial that they feel safe and supported, so they are comfortable sharing their ideas and emotions. Creating a warm, inclusive environment encourages this sense of relatedness, which, in turn, enhances their well-being and motivation.

Applying Self-Determination Theory in the Parenting of Gifted Children

Self-Determination Theory provides a valuable framework for raising gifted children, where it is essential to address their needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Below, you'll read how to practically apply this in daily parenting.

Autonomy: The Space to Choose and Direct for Oneself

Imagine your child showing an interest in space exploration. Instead of assigning a specific topic for a school project, you could let them choose what they want to research — for example, the lives of astronauts or how a rocket works. You would still provide clear guidelines on the scope and deadline, but allow them to decide on the content and approach. This is a good example of giving freedom within a structured framework.

In everyday life, you can support autonomy by giving your child choices, such as what to wear, what to eat, or which activity to do. These small decisions give the child a greater sense of control over their life.

You can also encourage responsibility by allowing your child to create their own schedule for schoolwork and hobbies. If problems arise, don’t immediately offer a solution; instead, ask questions like, "Are you upset because you couldn’t play that game? What could you do to fix this?" This helps your child think critically about options and develops their problem-solving skills.

Self-reflection is another important aspect of autonomy. Encourage your child to think about their own learning process and performance. After a presentation, for example, ask, "How do you think you did? What went well, and what would you do differently next time?" This helps your child learn to view themselves critically and positively.

Finally, it’s important to make room for personal interests, even if they don’t align with your own expectations. Does your child have a fascination with programming? Actively support it by watching online tutorials together or finding a course. Even if the topic isn’t particularly appealing to you, showing interest and respect for your child’s intrinsic motivation goes a long way.

Competence: the feeling of being good at something

Gifted children need challenges that match their developmental level, not necessarily their chronological age. If a task is too easy, they quickly become bored. Therefore, offer assignments that truly challenge them, like mathematical puzzles or in-depth projects on topics that interest them.

For example, if your child is fascinated by ancient Egypt, encourage them not only to gather information but also to critically compare it with other civilizations or to come up with their own theory about why certain customs emerged.

It’s important to focus on effort and strategies during this learning process, rather than just the outcome. For instance, praise your child's perseverance during a difficult project and teach them that mistakes are part of the process. Say something like, "You really pushed through, even when it got tough. What did you learn from what didn’t work?"

To further strengthen the sense of mastery, encourage your child to develop their talents through activities like chess, music, drawing, or programming. Additionally, create opportunities for them to share their knowledge, such as having them give a presentation in class or organize a workshop for other children.

A stimulating environment also contributes to the feeling of competence. Provide access to interesting books, educational games, science kits, or creative materials. Regularly engage in discussions about complex topics and invite your child to ask questions and think critically.

Relatedness: Feeling Accepted and Understood

Relatedness arises when a child feels that they truly matter and are allowed to be themselves. This begins with having genuine, open conversations. Take the time to listen to your child, even when the topics are complicated or abstract. Sharing interests together—whether it’s music, a series, or a scientific topic—strengthens the bond.

Social relatedness also means helping your child surround themselves with peers who are at a similar developmental level. This can be through joining clubs or activities like theater, music, or sports, where they can meet other children with similar interests or ways of thinking.

Some gifted children may experience intense emotions. Show understanding when your child is angry, sad, or overwhelmed. Respond with empathy, emphasizing that you love your child for who they are, not for what they can do. This unconditional acceptance is the foundation of healthy emotional development.

Finally, you can strengthen relatedness by working together on joint projects, like a family cooking night or crafting for a good cause. Encourage your child to use their talents to help others. This way, they not only learn more about themselves, but also about the value of collaboration and mutual support.

Autonomy-supportive parenting: giving space to grow

utonomy-supportive parenting goes beyond offering choices. It’s a parenting style focused on encouraging children’s independence, responsibility, and intrinsic motivation. Parents who use this approach create an environment where children feel autonomous, competent, and connected—the three fundamental psychological needs that contribute to healthy motivation and development.

In practice, this means parents don’t just let children choose between option A or B; they actively listen, take their perspective seriously, and support them in making their own decisions. It’s about guiding rather than controlling, offering structure without rigidity. When children feel that their opinion matters and that they have a say in their daily life, they build self-confidence and become more engaged in their own learning and growth process.

Autonomy-supportive parenting requires respectful communication, where parents are sensitive to their child’s needs and feelings without abandoning boundaries. It also means viewing mistakes as learning opportunities, not failures. This way, the child develops not only self-awareness but also perseverance and responsibility. How this looks in practice becomes clear in the following example.

Lena, a highly gifted ten-year-old girl, comes home from school looking visibly frustrated. She had been bored in class, and her teacher noticed that she hadn’t done her homework. When her mother asks her to finish it, Lena angrily exclaims, “I’m tired, and this doesn’t make sense. I already know this!”

Instead of reacting immediately, her mother stays calm and chooses an autonomy-supportive approach. She offers options within clear boundaries: “I understand you’re tired. Your homework still needs to be done today, but would you prefer to do it now or after dinner?” By letting Lena choose within set limits, she feels heard and maintains control over the situation.

During dinner, Lena talks about a conflict with a classmate. She feels misunderstood by her teacher and says she feels excluded. Her father puts down his utensils and listens carefully. He responds with respectful communication: “That sounds tough. It’s hard when you feel like no one understands you.” He suggests, “How can we solve this together? Do you have any ideas on what you could do? Or how we can help?” By working together to find solutions, Lena feels supported and taken seriously.

After dinner, Lena helps her father clear the table. In recent weeks, her parents have consciously given her more responsibility, tailored to her age and abilities. She helps with cooking, sometimes makes her own lunch, and has a regular chore at home. Not as an obligation, but because she feels that her contribution matters.

Later in the evening, just before bedtime, her mother takes a moment to spend some quiet time with her. “How do you think your day went?” she asks. By inviting her to self-evaluate, she helps Lena reflect on her actions and choices. Lena thinks for a moment and says, “I was angry at first, but I still did my homework. And I already know what I’m going to say differently to the teacher tomorrow.”

In these small, everyday moments, autonomy-supportive parenting comes to life. Not through control or force, but through exploring together, listening, and guiding—with trust in the child’s potential for growth.

Conclusion

By intentionally focusing on fulfilling the needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness in the upbringing of gifted children, parents create a strong foundation for intrinsic motivation and well-being. The Self-Determination Theory not only provides insight but also offers direction, with autonomy-supportive parenting as a practical application. Small daily moments of freedom of choice, responsibility, recognition, and collaboration make a big difference. In this way, gifted children grow not only cognitively but also as self-aware, resilient, and motivated individuals.

References

• Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2017). Self-Determination Theory. The Guilford Press.
• Vansteenkiste, M., & Soenens, B. (2015). Vitamines voor groei: ontwikkeling voeden vanuit de Zelf-Determinatie Theorie. Acco

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