“Am I Overreacting?” Doubt and Courage in Parents of Gifted Children

Many parents of gifted children recognize this moment.

The report cards are good. The grades add up. And yet, your child is not thriving. You see fatigue, quick frustration, withdrawal. Or, on the contrary, over-adaptation. And then the doubt begins.

“Am I overreacting?”
“Isn’t this just a luxury problem?”
“Shouldn’t my child simply learn to wait?”.

What You See Is Often Real

Many parents intuitively sense that their child learns differently.

Faster. More deeply. With less need for repetition.

But as long as the grades are good, that need for a different kind of learning does not always show up in the numbers. And that is precisely where confusion arises. Because good grades do not rule out a mismatch.

At its core, giftedness is about how a child processes information and makes meaning. Some children grasp new material at lightning speed, spontaneously make complex connections, and require very little practice to master something. When the educational offer is mainly repetitive or built up at a slower pace, tension can emerge. Not because the child is unwilling — but because the pace or approach does not align with the child’s way of thinking.

Research on motivation and underachievement shows that insufficient challenge can lead to declining engagement and loss of enjoyment in learning, even when performance remains strong (Reis & McCoach, 2000; Siegle & McCoach, 2005).

Good grades do not automatically protect against disengagement.

And that is precisely where the real work begins.

The Position of Parents: Between Intuition and System

Parents of gifted children often find themselves in a field of tension between what they see in their child every day and what the educational system can or is willing to provide. That tension is not merely a personal feeling; it is described in research as a systemic dynamic.

In her dissertation Gifted Education from a Systemic Perspective (2026), Jessica Vergeer shows that giftedness does not develop in isolation, but within an ecosystem in which child, parents, teachers, and school leaders continuously influence one another. Drawing on Ziegler’s Actiotope Model, she describes talent development as a dynamic interaction between the child, their actions, and the environment in which they learn and grow. In other words: when something feels off, it is rarely solely the child’s responsibility. Nor is it only about parents or school. It concerns the quality of interactions within the system.

And that is precisely where many parents feel the strain.

You see that your child does not need much repetition.

That they think faster than the pace of the classroom.

That they are cognitively hungry, ask questions that go beyond the curriculum, and become frustrated when the tempo is too slow.

But the moment you name it, something shifts. You become more cautious. You don’t want to be “that parent.” You don’t want to put pressure on anyone. You don’t want to force a label. Above all, you want your child to feel okay and simply be able to participate alongside the others.

Doubt quietly settles in. And sometimes that doubt shifts toward the relationship with the school as well.

“Do I trust my own observations enough?”

“Do I dare to keep naming this, even when the environment minimizes it?”

“Am I disrupting the collaboration by bringing this up at school?”

Many parents first try to handle it themselves. They look for extra challenge, buy enrichment materials, offer more complex tasks at home, or initiate a conversation with the teacher. Sometimes that works and space is created. Sometimes you hit limits. Not necessarily because of unwillingness, but because knowledge about giftedness is lacking, policies are unclear, or emotions color the conversation.

From a systemic perspective, this is understandable. When communication and involvement are not well aligned, friction arises. Vergeer shows that effective support for gifted students is associated with clear agreements, open communication, and a willingness to collaborate among all parties involved. When that willingness is lacking, or communication remains superficial, parents are more likely to feel alone — even though the issue is, in reality, shared.

That insight matters. It shifts the focus from blame to alignment. Not: who is doing something wrong? But: how can we improve the interaction so the child receives what they need?

Because in the end, that is what it is about. Not about being right. Not about labels. But about a system flexible enough to connect with how a child thinks and learns.

When Emotions Take Over

Giftedness touches something fundamental: your child. When you see that things are not going well, when the joy of learning fades or your child withdraws, it becomes personal. A school meeting is then rarely a neutral exchange of arguments. It is about well-being, opportunities, the future. Emotions are not a weakness in that context, but a logical consequence of involvement.

That very emotional charge can make conversations more complex. In her research on engagement and interaction within gifted education, Vergeer (2026) describes how parents, teachers, and school leaders perceive one another within the system. Parents indicate that willingness to communicate, accessibility, and the sharing of knowledge are crucial factors for good collaboration. When that willingness is lacking, it is consistently experienced as an obstacle. So it is not only about content, but about how actors approach one another.

International research shows a similar pattern. Parents report frustration when schools do not communicate proactively about gifted education or when school leaders lack a clear strategy. This absence of communication and vision appears to negatively affect parental involvement (Mun et al., 2021, as discussed in Vergeer, 2026). Where no clear and broadly supported gifted education policy is in place, uncertainty, fragmentation, and the sense that parents must keep taking the initiative arise more quickly. In such a context, parents more easily feel that they are the ones who must explain, provide resources, or insist. Not because intentions are poor, but because policy, knowledge, and communication are not always structurally embedded.

That helps explain why some parents feel they have to repeatedly explain what giftedness entails, bring in information themselves, or even “prove” that adjustments are needed. When conversations consistently begin from differences in knowledge or perspective, the dynamic can harden. The focus shifts away from educational needs and toward defending positions.

This is precisely where external expertise can make a difference. Not as an opposing party, but as a translator within the system. An expert can clearly articulate cognitive learning characteristics, make educational needs concrete, structure the conversation, and bring the focus back to substance. When a specialized professional joins the table, the dynamic often shifts from emotion to alignment. Not because parents are wrong, but because it is difficult to be both a parent and a content expert at the same time.

From a systemic perspective, this makes sense. When the quality of interaction improves, collaboration improves. And when collaboration strengthens, space emerges for what should remain central: an educational environment that aligns with how the child thinks and learns.

Knowledge Brings Calm and Direction

That is why we consciously invest in sharing knowledge — not only for parents, but also for other key actors such as teachers, school leaders, care coordinators, and psychologists. Through our blogs and newsletters, we translate scientifically grounded insights on giftedness, underachievement, acceleration, motivation, and cognitive learning characteristics into clear and applicable information. Not to overwhelm with theory, but to give words to what parents and professionals often already sense intuitively — and to strengthen conversations with substance.

Knowledge changes the conversation.

From:

“He’s bored.”

To:

“He needs little repetition and benefits from compacting and enrichment.”

From:

“She’s unmotivated.”

To:

“The cognitive challenge is insufficient.”

When parents understand what is happening, calm emerges.

And from that calm, more intentional action becomes possible.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Alongside knowledge, we also offer a network. Through our partners, parents can access advice and guidance. Sometimes that means a single conversation. Sometimes a longer trajectory. Sometimes support in communication with the school. What we see every day is how important it is that parents do not remain isolated in their search.

Giftedness requires customization.

And customization rarely happens spontaneously.

It grows through dialogue.

With knowledge.

With guidance.

With people who understand the field.

Perhaps the most important decision is not whether to test your child, accelerate, or provide enrichment.

Perhaps the most important decision is this:

Will I keep doubting myself, or will I take my observations seriously?

When parents choose the latter, something shifts.

Not always immediately within the system.

But within themselves.

And from there, movement can begin.

Don’t Keep Searching Alone

Perhaps you recognize yourself in this story.

Perhaps you’ve felt for some time that something needs to change.

That your child needs more challenge.

More understanding.

More alignment.

And perhaps you’ve also noticed how exhausting it is to keep pulling the cart yourself.

You don’t have to carry this alone.

Would you like to better understand how giftedness manifests cognitively?

What underachievement really means?

When acceleration makes sense?

How to approach a school conversation with greater clarity and substance?

Subscribe to our newsletter (if you haven’t already) and receive our blogs in which we translate scientifically grounded insights on giftedness into clear, accessible guidance for parents.

That is how you build knowledge.

And knowledge brings calm.

In addition, you can turn to our partners for tailored advice and guidance. Sometimes having an expert at the table opens doors that are difficult to open on your own — no matter how involved you are. Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because emotions can shape the conversation. An external voice helps bring the focus back to what truly matters: your child’s educational needs.

Do you notice that the school or support services are still searching for direction?

You are welcome to point out that we also share our expertise through training programs for teachers, school leaders, and care professionals. The stronger the knowledge among all those involved, the greater the chance of genuine alignment.

We believe that every child deserves the opportunity

to feel good about their gifted self [again].

References

• Reis, S. M., & McCoach, D. B. (2000). The underachievement of gifted students: What do we know and where do we go? Gifted Child Quarterly, 44(3), 152–170. https://doi.org/10.1177/001698620004400302

• Siegle, D., & McCoach, D. B. (2005). Making a difference: Motivating gifted students who are not achieving. Teaching exceptional children, 38(1), 22–27.

• Vergeer, J. (2026). Gifted education from a systemic perspective: The involvement of and interactions between teachers, school leaders, and parents [Doctoral thesis, Radboud Universiteit Nijmegen]. Nijmegen.

Copyright © 2026 Dr. Sabine Sypré – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author. Sharing online is permitted provided the author is credited and a link to this article is included.