Why Conversations About Giftedness So Often Stall (and How to Move Them Forward)

"I used to jokingly call it the inquisition."

I sat on one side of the table. On the other side sat the teacher, the special educational needs coordinator, someone from the school support services, and sometimes even the principal. Of course, it wasn't a real inquisition. Everyone around the table wanted what was best for my child. Even so, it often felt as though I constantly had to defend my point of view.

Perhaps that feeling sounds familiar.

You prepare carefully for the meeting. You gather examples, read everything you can, and try to explain calmly why your child needs more challenge or why certain behaviors may have a different explanation than a lack of motivation or unwillingness. You promise yourself that you'll stay calm. Then someone makes a comment about your child that strikes a nerve. Suddenly, you realize just how difficult it is to keep your emotions completely out of the conversation. And when the meeting is over, you often walk away with the feeling that no one truly understood what you were trying to explain.

It turns out that this experience is far from uncommon. A recent qualitative study explored how parents of gifted children navigate tensions in conversations with teachers in heterogeneous mainstream classrooms (Ben Artzey & Qadach, 2024). Rather than determining who was right or wrong, the researchers sought to understand the strategies parents use when advocating for their child's educational needs. 

Why Do These Tensions Arise?

Before analyzing the conversations themselves, the researchers first examined why conflicts between parents and schools arise in the first place. They identified several levels at which tensions can develop.

Some teachers assume that cognitively advanced students will do just fine on their own and therefore require little additional support. Others experience gifted students' curiosity, critical questions, or corrections as challenging to their professional role. At the same time, differentiating instruction in large, heterogeneous classrooms is far from straightforward. On top of these classroom realities, school policies and broader societal beliefs about equality and inclusion also play an important role. When the principle of "everyone should receive the same" takes precedence over "everyone should receive what they need," tensions between parents and schools can easily arise.

Although this study was conducted in Israel, many of the challenges it describes are familiar to parents and educators worldwide. In many education systems, cognitively advanced learners are taught in mainstream classrooms, where families and schools work together to provide appropriate levels of challenge through curriculum compacting, enrichment, acceleration, or other educational accommodations.

Three Ways Parents Try to Make a Difference

The interviews revealed three main strategies parents use when conversations with the school become difficult.

For some parents, the role of the Law Enforcer was central. These parents were well informed about existing policies and guidelines related to gifted education. During meetings, they referred to educational policies, official guidelines, or established agreements and expected schools to follow them. The interviews suggest that this approach often stemmed from frustration when schools failed to make use of opportunities that were already available in practice. One mother, for example, described how her son's school routinely scheduled lessons or activities during the times he attended the enrichment program. To her, this signaled that the school viewed the enrichment program as an optional extra, whereas for her son it was an essential part of his education. In her view, the school was failing to honor the existing guidelines. Parents of secondary school students also described situations in which schools refused to use options that were permitted under educational policy, such as allowing students to take examinations early.

Other parents primarily took on the role of the Motivator. They tried to help teachers better understand their child's educational needs, shared information about giftedness, and actively searched for solutions together. They viewed the teacher first and foremost as a partner and hoped that open dialogue and mutual understanding would lead to meaningful change.

A third group of parents primarily acted as Mentors. Their focus shifted toward supporting their child directly. They helped their child cope with difficult situations at school, encouraged independence, and sought additional learning and development opportunities outside the school setting when needed. The school remained an important conversation partner, but these parents placed less emphasis on changing the school itself and more on strengthening and empowering their child.

A Continuum... Or Is It?

The researchers propose placing these three strategies on a continuum. At one end is the Law Enforcer, who actively engages with the school while referring to educational policies and guidelines when necessary. In the middle is the Motivator, who also seeks dialogue with the school but focuses primarily on collaboration and mutual understanding. At the other end is the Mentor, who minimizes direct interaction with the school and instead devotes most of their energy to supporting and strengthening their child. According to the authors, viewing these approaches as a continuum may help parents reflect on which strategy is likely to be most effective in a given situation.

Yet the proposed continuum made me reflect. The authors place parents somewhere along a continuum between the Law Enforcer, the Motivator, and the Mentor. I never experienced myself as fitting into just one of those roles. Instead, I recognized myself in all three and found myself moving between them, depending on the situation and on the person sitting across the table.

I certainly did not begin as a parent who walked into school meetings armed with educational policies or scientific research. My first instinct was to start a conversation, share information, and look for solutions together. I believed that mutual understanding and collaboration provided the strongest foundation for helping my children. In fact, I still believe that today.

Looking back, I also realize that my approach depended not only on where I was in my own journey as a parent, but just as much on the teacher sitting across the table. When I felt that a teacher was open to dialogue and genuinely willing to think along with me, I naturally remained in the role of the Motivator. When there was goodwill but limited knowledge of giftedness, I found myself increasingly relying on scientific evidence, educational guidelines, or policy documents to explain and support my children's educational needs. Only when I felt there was little willingness to truly see my child or to work together toward solutions did my focus gradually shift toward my children themselves.

That did not mean the school had suddenly solved all the problems. Quite the opposite. I simply realized that I needed to be more intentional about where I invested my energy. Some battles led nowhere, while that same energy could be spent in ways that directly benefited my children. I gradually shifted more of my attention toward strengthening them. I wanted to equip them with the skills they needed to navigate an educational system that did not always align with the way they thought and learned, so that they would become more resilient over the long term.

Looking back, I clearly recognize all three strategies described in the study. I just did not experience them as three different types of parents. Instead, I experienced them as strategies I used at different moments and in different situations. Which strategy came to the forefront depended not only on my own development as a parent, but also on the openness, knowledge, and willingness of the teacher or school. That is not a conclusion drawn by the researchers. Rather, it is a personal reflection that emerged as I read their study.

Why These Conversations Feel So Difficult

Perhaps what struck me most about this study was another of the researchers' findings. Although the parents were highly proactive in their behavior—they carefully prepared for meetings, sought out information, and advocated for their child's educational needs—they also described feeling frustrated, skeptical, and powerless. There seemed to be a constant tension between what they hoped to achieve and what ultimately proved possible.

That, too, felt very familiar.

In my experience, conversations with schools do not necessarily become easier as you gain more knowledge about giftedness. If anything, the opposite is true. The better you understand how your child thinks, learns, and develops, the clearer their educational needs become. At the same time, you realize that the person sitting across the table may be viewing the very same situation through an entirely different lens. That can make it difficult to truly understand one another.

As a parent, you also bring much more than knowledge into these conversations. You bring your concerns, your hopes, and sometimes even the disappointments of previous experiences. After all, you are not talking about just any student. You are talking about your own child. That makes it almost impossible to leave your emotions completely outside the room.

Perhaps that is not necessary.

Our emotions reflect how deeply we care about our children. The real challenge is not to suppress those emotions, but to ensure they are supported by a solid understanding of giftedness and a clear picture of your child's educational needs. When that happens, conversations often become calmer, more focused, and ultimately more constructive.

How Can You Navigate Difficult Conversations with Your Child's School?

When conversations become challenging, our first instinct is often to learn even more about educational policies and regulations. That can certainly be valuable, but no policy or guideline will, by itself, change the course of a conversation. Equally important is the way we engage in dialogue with one another. A few simple principles can help.

• Learn about giftedness and your child's educational needs. The better you understand why your child benefits from certain accommodations, the easier it becomes to explain those needs calmly and clearly during a meeting. Knowledge does not take away the emotions—you are, after all, your child's parent—but it does help you translate those emotions into well-founded arguments. As a result, the conversation is more likely to shift from "I feel something isn't working" to "My child needs less repetition, learns at a faster pace, and benefits from greater cognitive challenge." 

• Start from a place of collaboration. Rather than assuming that the school is on the opposite side, begin with the belief that you ultimately share the same goal: creating a learning environment in which your child can thrive. 

• Make that shared goal explicit. When everyone around the table understands what you are working toward together, it becomes easier to search for solutions instead of defending positions. 

• Keep the focus on your child's educational needs. Rather than centering the conversation on a label or diagnosis, it is often more effective to describe specifically what your child needs in order to learn, stay motivated, and feel successful at school. 

• Whenever possible, let go of labels. Conversations about giftedness can sometimes trigger assumptions or preconceived ideas. Conversations about a student who learns more quickly, needs less repetition, or benefits from greater cognitive challenge are often more likely to lead to constructive dialogue. 

• After the meeting, briefly summarize the key agreements in an email. This ensures that everyone has the same understanding of what was decided and reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings. 

• Finally, schedule a follow-up meeting before you leave. Not every solution works perfectly the first time. A follow-up conversation creates an opportunity to evaluate what is working, make adjustments where needed, and reinforce that you and the school remain committed to the same shared goal.

Would you like to feel even better prepared for conversations with your child’s school?

In January, we will launch our new digital course for parents. In this course (in Dutch), we translate recent scientific insights on giftedness into everyday practice, helping you better understand how your child thinks, learns, and develops—and what they need, both at home and at school.

Good news: before the official launch, we will offer the course at a special pre-sale price. We’ll share more details about this soon in our newsletter.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If I could offer just one piece of advice to parents preparing for a difficult conversation with their child's school, it would be this: don't go alone.

Bring your partner, a psychologist, or someone else you trust. Not because that person necessarily knows more than you do, but because each of you can play a different role. While you, as a parent, may understandably be affected by what is being said, the other person can help keep an overview of the discussion, ask clarifying questions, summarize key agreements, and keep the conversation focused. It won't make the meeting any less emotional, but it can make it feel far less isolating.

You may also find it helpful to talk things through with someone before the meeting. Someone who can help you clearly articulate your child's educational needs, explore the options available within the school, or prepare for a difficult conversation. You don't have to do that alone either. A professional with expertise in giftedness can help you approach the meeting with greater confidence and clarity, without taking the place of either the school or you as the parent.

Find an Expert in Your Area

And perhaps that is the most important lesson I have learned myself. Advocating for your child does not have to be a battle you fight alone. When parents, schools, and giftedness professionals are able to see one another as partners, they create the conditions for what everyone ultimately wants: a learning environment in which a cognitively advanced learner can truly thrive.

Reflection Exercise

After reading this article, take a moment to reflect on your own role.

When you meet with your child's school, do you recognize yourself most as...

The Motivator

You believe in collaboration. You try to explain what your child needs, work together with the school, and look for solutions as partners.

The Law Enforcer

You've found that conversations alone are not always enough, so you begin referring to educational policies, scientific evidence, or official guidance. Not to win the discussion, but to make the conversation more objective. If this sounds familiar, it may be helpful to become familiar with the gifted education policies and guidance available in your own state, province, or country. Understanding the educational framework where you live (for Flanders here) can help you advocate more effectively for your child's needs.

The Mentor

You've chosen to spend less energy trying to convince the school and more energy supporting your child directly. You help your child become an independent learner, develop strategies for coping with challenges, and continue growing both inside and beyond the classroom.

Perhaps you don't recognize yourself in just one of these roles, but in all three. Or perhaps you've noticed that your role has changed over the years. That's perfectly natural. Parents often choose the strategy they believe will best help their child at that particular moment.

References

• Ben Artzey, N., & Qadach, M. (2024). Strategies that parents of gifted children use in tense situations with teachers in mixed-ability classes. Gifted and Talented International, 39(1), 46–59. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332276.2024.2329819

Copyright © 2026 Dr. Sabine Sypré – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author. Sharing online is permitted provided the author is credited and a link to this article is included.