Gifted and Feeling Different: How Do You Truly Find Connection?

Many gifted adults spend years carrying a feeling that is hard to put into words. They function — often even very well. But something feels off. As if they are living just slightly out of sync with the world.

Research on gifted adults — at least those who are aware of their giftedness — confirms this picture. Many report having felt “different” from a young age, without fully understanding why. That feeling does not simply fade over time; it continues to shape relationships, work, and self-image.

This experience of being different is not a minor detail. It touches on identity. Because when you do not recognize yourself in your environment, it becomes difficult to build a stable and authentic sense of self.

The question then is not only: what makes me different?
But above all: how do I deal with this in a way that helps me, rather than exhausts me?

What follows starts from that tension. No ready-made solutions, but directions grounded in both research and practice.

In a previous blog, we already wrote about the importance of balancing as a gifted adult: learning to shift between tempos, between depth and lightness, between adapting and staying true to yourself. In this article, we zoom in on one essential aspect of that: finding contexts and environments where you do not have to choose between being yourself and belonging.

Recognition as an Entry Point, Not a Label

Many adults only encounter the concept of giftedness later in life. Through their (grand)children. Through a psychologist. A doctor. Someone mentions that word. And often, the first response is resistance.

Yet that recognition can set something in motion.

Not because it is a label that explains everything, but because it offers a framework to understand that persistent feeling of being “different.” This insight can be an important first step in reshaping one’s self-image. It creates language for experiences that have often been present for a long time, but were never named.

Only when you understand why you feel different does space emerge to deal with it more consciously.

Recognition is not an endpoint.
It is an entry point.

Working on Your Self-Concept: From “Different” to “Aligned”

Identity consists of two essential components: who you are and where you belong. These personal and social aspects — as described in the literature — are inseparably connected (Van Horssen-Sollie, 2021).

And that is often where the tension lies.

As long as you do not fully understand yourself, adapting becomes almost automatic. You sense that you are different, but do not quite know how or why, and so you try to find connection by adjusting your behavior, your thinking, or your pace.

But this adaptation often happens unconsciously. And frequently at your own expense.

Gifted adults often know themselves well on a cognitive level, but struggle to find a social context in which that self-understanding is reflected. Without that mirror, it becomes difficult to develop a stable and positive self-concept.

What often follows is continued adaptation.

Yet long-term adaptation — downplaying or hiding parts of yourself to belong — can, over time, impact both identity and well-being (Van Horssen-Sollie, 2021).

Working on your self-concept therefore starts with getting to know yourself.
Understanding how you think, feel, and respond.

Only then can you begin to choose more consciously:
when do I attune to my environment — and when do I not?

It is not about changing yourself.
But about understanding yourself better — and allowing yourself to be.

Don’t Try to Fit Everywhere — Find Where You Fit

One of the biggest misconceptions is that you need to find connection everywhere.

Research shows that a lack of connection can lead to feelings of isolation and alienation — experiences that often begin in childhood and continue into adulthood (Winter, 2017).

As a result, many gifted individuals develop strategies to create connection. Two of these are well described in the literature: code-switching and the forced choice dilemma.

Code-switching means adapting your behavior, language, or level of thinking to your environment in order to connect. In the short term, this can be helpful — and to some extent, everyone does it (for example, switching between dialect and standard language). But when it becomes structural, there is a risk that you gradually show less of who you really are.

Some people then experience, often implicitly, that they have to choose: show who they truly are and risk rejection, or adapt in order to belong. This tension is described as the forced choice dilemma (Visser & Hoogeveen, 2025).

When these strategies are needed over a long period, they can put pressure on your self-image and reinforce the feeling that you can never fully be yourself anywhere.

The solution, however, is not to fit in everywhere.

Create Contexts Where You Can Breathe

Perhaps this is the most important step.

Not adapting yourself to every context.
But seeking out — and creating — contexts that fit you.

Research highlights how important it is to connect people who share similar experiences. Recognizing yourself in others strengthens a sense of belonging and supports the development of a more positive self-image (Van Horssen-Sollie, 2021).

Because the longer you go without seeing yourself reflected, the greater the chance that you begin to doubt yourself.

And the more powerful the impact when you finally find a place where you can truly land.

It’s Not About Fixing, but About Positioning

Maybe there is nothing wrong with you.
Maybe the challenge is not to change yourself.
But to position yourself.

Not choosing between adapting or standing apart.
But learning to move between contexts.
With awareness.
With self-compassion.
With direction.

This becomes tangible in small choices. In who you seek out and who you keep at a distance. In the conversations you stay in and the ones you consciously let pass. In the way you organize your work, the themes you engage with, the places you return to because they fit.

Sometimes it means finding one person with whom you can truly go deep. Or intentionally seeking contexts where thinking and reflection are natural, where you don’t have to slow down or filter yourself. It may also mean choosing a course, a trajectory, or a moment where you can feel at home in how you think and see the world.

And just as often, it means accepting that not every context suits you. That you don’t have to be fully yourself everywhere. And that this is not failure, but clarity.

Positioning does not mean fitting in everywhere.
It means learning to recognize where you can land — and choosing that, consciously.

Maybe that is not a dramatic change.
But it is a direction that makes a real difference.

An Invitation

Perhaps you recognize yourself in this story.
Perhaps you’ve been trying to figure it out on your own for a long time.

But what if you don’t have to?

Research and practice point to the same insight:
recognition does not arise only in your mind, but in connection.
In conversations where you don’t have to explain how you think.
In moments where you don’t have to slow down.
In contact where you recognize yourself in another.

At the end of May, we’re organizing a Zwin walk for (young) adults.
Not therapy. Not a program.
But a place where you don’t have to switch.

It may not be a solution.
But it can be a beginning.

Would you like to experience what it feels like not having to switch for a while?
To connect with people who think and see the world in a similar way?

During our Zwin walk for (young) adults, we create space for connection, recognition, and conversation. No therapy, no obligations — just a context where you can simply be who you are.

Discover the Zwin walk.

References

• Van Horssen-Sollie, J. (2021). Identiteitsontwikkeling bij hoogbegaafde adolescenten. Balanceren tussen jezelf zijn en erbij horen. Tijdschrift voor Remedial Teaching, 2021(3), 10-13.

• Visser, M., & Hoogeveen, L. (2025). Code-switching and the forced choice dilemma as obstacles in identity development of gifted adolescent. Anduli 2025(27), 179-198.

• Winter, T.C. (2017). Being seen: self-concept development in highly gifted adults. [PhD thesis, Fielding Graduate University].

Copyright © 2026 Dr. Sabine Sypré – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced in any form or by any means, whether electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author. Sharing online is permitted provided the author is credited and a link to this article is included.