Do gifted children demand a different form of parenting?
(Highly) gifted children necessitate a distinct approach to upbringing...
Positive Discipline revolves around interacting with children (and individuals in general) in a manner that fosters their development into responsible individuals who can acknowledge and learn from mistakes. This method of parenting aligns closely with the needs of (highly) gifted children.
Picture a Monday morning where you catch yourself constantly giving orders. "Do this, do that, hurry up, aren't you ready yet...?" By the time you're ready to hop into your car and head to work, it feels like you've been up for hours, your stress levels are soaring, and you find yourself wondering once again why they just can't do as they're told – it would be so much simpler. Yet immediately afterward, you recognize that the children also didn't seem particularly pleased about heading to school on this Monday morning, and their apparent 'disobedience' didn't bring them any joy. You ponder what you might be doing wrong and how to rectify it.
Sound familiar? Take comfort in knowing you're not alone. Evidence of this abounds in the plethora of parenting books lining store shelves, the multitude of TV programs inundating us with various techniques, and the countless websites all attempting to impart "the" technique in their unique manner. Amidst this deluge of information, it becomes challenging to discern the most effective approach: should we adopt a stricter or more lenient stance? Should we resort to punishment or refrain? What course of action should be taken when rules are transgressed? One method advocates for one thing, while another proposes something entirely different. Furthermore, as a parent of a cognitively gifted child, you often find yourself feeling the need to justify your child's behavior to others (be it school, family, or friends).
Jane Nelsen, with her "positive discipline," has delineated a parenting approach that resonates well with the needs of (highly) gifted children. Emphasizing respect and the exploration of solutions, she presents an incredibly positive approach to addressing issues that extend beyond the confines of the familial environment. It's about interacting with children (and individuals in general) in a manner that facilitates their development into responsible individuals who can acknowledge and learn from mistakes.
In this article, we aim to briefly elucidate one of the techniques of positive discipline for you. However, it's important to note that this is merely a simplified explanation and by no means encompasses Jane Nelsen's entire philosophy. Her methodology encompasses a far broader scope than the technique presented here. We've opted to focus on this particular technique because, with a shift in one's behavior, it can be readily applied in any family setting.
Jane Nelsen encourages parents to transition from "telling" to "asking." She underscores the importance of ceasing to dictate to children what they should do, as this approach can inadvertently engender a host of issues that may initially go unnoticed. If parents consistently dictate instructions to a child, there's a strong likelihood that the child will internalize this behavior and replicate it in interactions with peers. Additionally, the child may develop a personality characterized by a perpetual desire to please others. By constantly issuing commands, parents also deprive children of the opportunity to cultivate a sense of autonomy and decision-making ability. Over time, this can have adverse effects on the child's self-esteem. Thus, it's imperative to refrain from simply instructing the child and instead pose open-ended questions that empower the child to navigate situations autonomously.
To facilitate your implementation of this approach, we'll provide some illustrative examples:
- Instead of commanding "Brush your teeth!", ask: "What else do you need to do before you're ready for school?"
- Replace "Do your homework!" with: "What's your plan for completing your homework?"
- Consider asking "What's your responsibility after playtime?" instead of saying "Clean up!"
- When resolving conflicts, "Stop fighting!" may not be effective. Try: "How can you both solve this problem together?"
- Instead of instructing "Put on your coat!", inquire: "How can you ensure you stay warm outside?"
It's crucial to genuinely seek the child's response. These queries are termed "curiosity questions" by her. While the concept is straightforward, implementing it requires self-compassion. Don't anticipate an instant shift. Initially, you might notice your questions sound like veiled commands or carry a hint of reprimand.
As you aim for your child to learn from their errors, extend the same permission to yourself.
Be cautious of the following pitfalls:
- Ensure that the question doesn't sound like a hidden command. Pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, etc., as many (gifted) children are adept at picking up on non-verbal cues. If you appear too upset and fail to mask your judgment, your child will notice.
- Children may initially resist. They're used to being directed on what to do. Despite their occasional pushback, they may not know how to respond to your questions.
- "I don't know..." If a child responds this way, refrain from immediately providing the answer yourself. Allow them time to think, and agree to revisit the question later to see if they can come up with a response.
Gentle yet Firm Parenting Approach at Hoogbloeier®?
Should you encounter challenges in raising your gifted child, Hoogbloeier® is here to assist you by providing insights into positive discipline. This may involve participating in a parenting course, where you engage in small-group sessions lasting three hours, focusing on specific themes. Our coaches offer the necessary theoretical background to shape and support your journey, while you contribute by sharing your own experiences from daily interactions with your children, and discussing what has and hasn't been effective. The aim is to help you gain deeper insights into your gifted child through practical scenarios and homework assignments and to furnish you with a framework to confidently navigate the challenges of parenting and their impact on your child and their surroundings.
The concept of positive discipline, synonymous with gentle yet firm parenting, is a recurring theme in our thematic evenings. Refer to our agenda for upcoming events on this topic. Additionally, individual guidance is available from our coaches, who can offer tailored advice to adapt your parenting approach to create a more harmonious home environment.
In our partner network, you'll find coaches offering services aligned with positive discipline. Feel free to reach out to those near you to schedule an initial consultation. For information sessions specifically focused on positive discipline, consult our agenda for upcoming thematic evenings.
Copyright © 2015 Maaike Martens, Hoogbloeier® cvba – All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced, in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any other method, without the prior written permission of the author. Online sharing is permitted provided that the author is credited and a link to this article is included.
